For the Best

As many of you already know, we got the call from our adoption specialist on Monday afternoon that Birth Mom delivered Baby at 5am that morning and decided to parent instead of place for adoption.  

Now that we have had a few days, I'm ready to write about it.

I did cry when I first got the news.  And I cannot say that we are not the tiniest bit disappointed.  But I can say that we are really doing okay with everything.  Sure, it has brought up some doubts and some questions.  Sure, we've had to take a moment to step back and re-evaluate where are thoughts and hearts are.  These aren't necessarily bad things though.  Instead, we're choosing to look at the positive so here, in no particular order, are the things that are helping us through the process:

1.  We are trusting that God's timing is best.  I don't write this to appear as though we have this whole faith thing figured out or that we're all pious or righteous.  We don't and we aren't.  What we do know is that we have peace that we believe can only come from the sincere trust that God is taking care of us.  We have experienced this first hand in so many ways.  One such example is that we literally had about a 1% chance of even conceiving Shay without assisted reproductive technology.  Then I got horrendously sick during my pregnancy and we thought we would lose the baby.  And, against all odds, we have our amazing daughter.  We've talked about how, had things gone according to our timing, we wouldn't have Shay.  We may have had another child and, while we would have loved that child, we just cannot imagine having had a biological child other than Shay.  In our minds, God's timing was perfect.

2.  Our prayers were answered.  Albeit, not in the way we had planned for the conclusion of this part of the adoption journey but they were answered nonetheless.  From the time we found out that we had been chosen by a birth mother, we prayed that whatever outcome would be best for the baby is what would ultimately happen.  While we have no tangible assurances that this is the case, we choose to trust that this really is the answer.  Yes, it would have been nice to have not been chosen in the first place and spent the last month preparing for another baby girl.  I question what the reason was for as we both feel that it would have been easier for our hearts and minds to not be chosen until it was the right fit.  Perhaps we were just there to serve as a safety net of sorts for the birth mom as she struggled with an impossible decision.  Perhaps we can now help other adoptive families in a way because we went through this.  I hope the why's become apparent one day but I'll be  okay if they never do.

3.  Baby will be loved.  I've heard people who have had adoptions fall through equate it to a miscarriage.  I understand part of that sentiment.  From an adoptive family's perspective, you spend time anticipating the arrival of a child only, in many circumstances, to never have the chance to meet him/her.  And it feels like a loss.  However, Baby did not die.  She is now going to get to live life with her Birth Mom and Siblings who will love her.  So I don't really agree with the miscarriage comparison.  In fact, I can't really think of anything that a failed adoption compares to as it is, in and of itself, a unique situation.  Perhaps only those who have experienced this process first-hand can really understand it.  What I do know is that we cannot be sad that a child was wanted by her mother.  We need to celebrate this.

4.  We have so much support from Family and Friends.  In a lot of ways, it would be easier to keep everything about the adoption to ourselves.  That way, we wouldn't have to tell anyone if it never went through.  We would not have to go back and tell everyone that we are no longer going to get the baby that we were waiting for.  We would not have to hear some of  the well-intended but not always helpful pieces of advice or "wisdom."  Jeff and I are naturally not really social.  Both of us are geared more to having just a few close friends rather than a ton of acquaintances.  It is easier for me to internalize things and work through them in my own way and timing.  Or to just reach those with whom I hold the deepest level of trust.  However, we chose to be open with this process and share the journey with those around us and, in doing so, have received nothing but support, encouragement and friendship along the way.  It is with a sincere heart that I write that I am so thankful for this.

5.  Shay's a happy camper.  Thankfully, Shay isn't upset about the adoption falling through.  While she said that she was excited to have a baby sister, we don't think at 3 1/2 she really understood what that meant.  She has never asked questions about the adoption even though we've tried to prepare her throughout the process.  With going to pre-school full-time, she's experiencing a lot of firsts and seems very happy as is even though, while we know there would be a big adjustment period, we also think she will be a good big sister if someday should ever happen.  It is a blessing to us that she is not upset now.

6.  We are happy with either outcome.  We really, truly are.  We are still planning on having our home study active through 2014.  If we haven't gotten placement by then, we're going to keep Shay as an only child.  A couple of the reasons for this are that we do not want our lives in limbo for several years and we do not want a huge age gap between our children.  Adoption would be a beautiful way to add to our family and a big blessing for sure but having Shay as an only child is not some sort of failed adoption consolation prize in the least.  We will be just as happy to be a family of three.  We just felt the pull that adoption has always had on us from the beginning of our relationship and we have to at least give it a chance.  However, we in no way feel that our family is incomplete or lacking as is.  

So what's next?  

We are back to being a waiting family.  So, at the risk of repeating this whole process, we are going to keep open hearts.  And no, I'm not referring to Jane Seymour's hideous Open Hearts Collection for Kay Jewelers.  Apologies if you like the designs, I mean no offense.  I do like the sentiment behind it but I think the design concept is awful.  In my most mature expression:  Me no likey.  

Again, thank you for all of the support, prayers and friendship.  We love you!