Home Study, Part 2

Yesterday was our individual interview portion of the home study program. This was the part of the home study process that made me the most nervous for two main reasons. The first was just not knowing what kinds of questions to expect. The second was that we could not bring Shay with us. Typically, Jeff’s folks watch her on the rare occasions when we need a sitter and when they’re in town but they are away in New Mexico until sometime in January. Jeff’s sister is on a Christmas concert tour in Denmark. So that left us with the need to find alternative childcare, something that I’m glad we ended up doing. We talked with a couple of different childcare centers in our area as well as Paulette, a woman who runs a daycare out of her home who came on recommendation from a friend/co-worker. Jeff took Shay to visit a couple of them and Shay ended up going to Paulette’s house for the time we were at our adoption agency. She did really well and was happily munching on some Cheetos when we arrived to pick her up. It’s good to know that we have another avenue for childcare should we need it and that Shay is okay with Mommy and Daddy leaving her for a while. She is really growing up so fast!

Back to the adoption news. From what we can tell, the individual interviews went well. We both sat with our adoption counselor and filled out some additional paperwork. We were not allowed to talk with each other or look over each other’s answers during that time. After, our counselor interviewed Jeff alone for a little over an hour and then interviewed me alone for about an hour and half (which probably would have been shorter, but we kept laughing and getting a little off topic). I really like that our adoption counselor is very relatable and down-to-earth about things. She’s been great to work with thus far. Though this process has been taking a lot of time, so far things have really gone smoothly.

Our next step is to meet on Dec. 20th to go over our service plan. We will need to be researching and praying about several things including the following questions:

1.  What type of adoption do we want?

Open Adoption – This is an adoption in which the birth mother/parents maintain a close, open relationship with the adoptive parent(s). In some cases, both parties form very close friendships/family-type relationships.

Semi-Open Adoption – This type of adoption leaves some lines of communication open (photo/letter/gift exchanges) but typically all parties are on a first name basis (do not exchange last names or addresses). If everyone wants to meet face-to-face, they can do so at a neutral location, typically the adoption agency office. This way, there is some privacy maintained but it does allow for contact as often as both parties feel comfortable.

Closed Adoption – This is when there is no contact between the birth mother/parents and the adoptive parent(s). Either or both parties may choose this type of adoption for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes a birth mother/parents may feel that it would be too painful to be in touch with their birth child. Sometimes adoptive families want to maintain their privacy.

2.  What gender would we want?

3.  What race(s) are we open to?

4.  Are we willing to adopt a child with any physical and/or mental disabilities? If so, which ones, how severe, etc?

5.  Are we willing to adopt a child whose birth mother smoked, drank or did drugs at any time throughout pregnancy?

There are cases in which a birth mother drank moderately to heavily throughout her entire pregnancy and the child is born without any signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and other cases in which a birth mother only occasionally drank and stopped after she discovered she was pregnant and the baby is born with definitive symptoms of F.A.S.

6. Would we adopt a child who has no known birth parent history?

For example, Tennessee law allows mothers to drop off an unharmed, newborn baby up to 72 hours old at a hospital or other pre-determined "safe haven," no questions asked.

7. Are we willing to travel out of state?

Each state has different rules regarding termination of birth parent(s) legal rights. Some have longer revocation periods than others, some have none at all. For example, in the state of Tennessee, the birth mother/parent(s) have 10 days after the birth of the child to change their minds about placing their child for adoption. The state of Mississippi has no revocation period once the papers have been signed terminating parental rights. In contrast, the state of California has a 6 month revocation period.

These are all questions that we need to seriously consider and be in agreement about. If you think of it, please pray for wisdom in the coming weeks for us over these questions.

Nursery #2

I thought I had a list of projects I wanted to do prior to ever hearing the word “Pinterest.” Now, thanks to this addictive website/mobile app, I have more projects than I can ever dream of actually completing. Jeff and I are definitely not talented in the area of DIY home improvement/repair so when I saw the picture below on Pinterest, I was excited because it looked like something I could actually do:

Photo credit: Doodle Bug Designs via Pinterest link

Our former guest room turned Baby #2’s nursery is a medium-dark blue color (“Bleached Denim” to be exact – gotta love paint color names). We don’t know if we’ll be adopting a boy or a girl but I didn’t want the typical gender neutral color scheme with greens or yellows. Okay, so maybe I also just didn’t want to have to buy new paint and repaint the whole room either. So, if we end up adopting a baby girl, we’re bucking tradition and giving her a blue room. I figured I can hang the blue nylon butterflies around the perimeter, add some ruffles & feminine touches and she will have a cute, girly, blue nursery. Jury’s still out on a decoration theme for a boy.

I decided that I wanted to paint a wider horizontal stripe all the way around the room in the same light blue color we have in our living room (“Cumberland Fog” – so very appropriate since Jeff lived in Cumberland, MD for a while) with thinner white stripes above and below. Then it was figuring out the logistics of how to get not just one but three straight lines all the way around the room.  That is, after I got my paint cans away from Shay who declared that they were "drums" and proceeded to "make music" with them!

Enter the magic of Amazon.com and a handy little suction wall mounted laser level gadget from Black & Decker! It was cheap and arrived the day after I ordered it. This project would not have gone nearly as well without it. Here’s my little laser level in action:

Now, I’ve been disheartened by painter’s tape before. The paint almost always bled through a little resulting in all kinds of messed up lines. Turns out, I was just using the wrong tape! This time I went with the higher priced Frog brand tape and it made a world of difference. Clean, straight lines! I’m pretty happy with the results:

Baby Bargains

We’ve been busy going through the paces of our adoption agency’s requirements and the home study process that it feels like the thought of actually having our baby at home seems so far away. However, we’re nearing the end of the process so it’s getting to feel more real now. We just have our individual interviews on Wednesday followed by a service plan meeting and we hope to have an approval by the end of the year!

Mentally, I am still preparing for a long wait (at least a year) but I also have to be prepared for a fast placement should we be chosen quickly. So, I’ve decided to put some time into finding good deals and couponing here and there to get stocked up for baby little by little. Thankfully, we have the big ticket baby gear items already (crib & mattress, changing table & pad, pack ‘n’ play, car seats, stroller and swing) as well as some smaller items (cloth diapers, diaper genie, cloth diaper bags, toys, blankets, bottles, etc.). However, we will still need some more supplies, especially if it’s a boy…mostly formula, disposable diapers (for the first few weeks and on-the-go), wipes, newborn-12 month clothes, sleep sacks, etc.

I scored some great deals over the past week that I’m pretty excited about:

Plum District had a $40 voucher to Ecomom.com for $20 on top of Ecomom’s Black Friday $40 off of $100 purchase and free shipping. I also received a free reusable tote and another $15 voucher for being one of the first 300 people to buy on Black Friday week. That’s $120 worth of eco-friendly, organic baby supplies for only $40! Here are some of the favorite items I got:

Lifefactory Wee Go Glass Baby Bottle 4 ounce

Boon Grass Countertop Drying Rack

Boon Stem Grass and Lawn Drying Rack Accessory - White and Yellow

 

Episencial Playful Wash

Episencial Snuggly Lotion

I also got a great deal at Target on 2 Graco Highback Booster Seats (one for each our our cars) for $30 ea. plus received a $10 gift card back! Lastly, I got the Toys-R-Us/Babies-R-Us Groupon the other day ($20 worth of products for $10) to pair with my Babies-R-Us reward dollars. I see a snuggly soft changing pad cover and new crib sheets on the horizon.

(Sidenote: I discovered that 6am is the time to go out on Black Friday. You miss the crazy midnight crowd and the folks who plan to shop later that day are still in their turkey comas. Target was a ghost town with no lines!)

Sounds like I spend a lot of time lost in cyberspace looking for great deals but I don’t thanks to Southern Savers, a coupon and deal site that I follow. It is how I knew about all of these savings offers without having to spend time on the lookout for them myself. If you are looking to save some money without investing a lot of time, I’d highly recommend checking out the site. Happy saving!

More Than Words

I was pleasantly surprised when we received our adoption agency’s guide to domestic and international adoption that, on the last page, they had a list of alternative words to use when referring to various aspects of adoption. Thought I’d share them here:

"Rather than --> We suggest…

Real parent --> Birthparent, Birthmother, Birthfather
Natural parent --> Biological parent
Unwed mother --> Single parent
Real child --> Birth child
Illegitimate child --> Child of unmarried parents
Put up for adoption --> Make an adoption plan
Give up for adoption --> Choose adoption
Keep a child --> Parent a child
Hard-to-place child --> Child with special placement needs
Special needs --> Disabilities (physical, emotional, developmental)
Unwanted pregnancy --> Unplanned, unintended, or untimely pregnancy
Find parents --> Search for birthparents
Foreign adoption --> International adoption
“Gotcha Day” --> Family Day* or Adoption Day

The use of terms such as “is adopted,” “was adopted,” or “adoptee” may be appropriate in some situations. Legally, adoption is a one-time event. Adoption is also about joining a forever family, so there is a lifelong aspect to adoption."

What is Real?

I really hope that I will be able to relate to Jeff’s and my future adopted child well having been adopted myself.  Some situations are unique to adopted children and, while our child will have a different journey than I had, I hope that empathy and encouragement from a mom who knows what it’s like to have been adopted will help our child to face whatever issues may arise for him/her as an adoptee.

One of the issues I had while growing up was when other kids would tease me for being adopted and/or tell me that my parents were not my “real” parents.   I remember one time, another kid told me that my parents “bought” me.

Blatant teasing aside, it was tough for me when people would ask me if I ever wanted to search for my “real” parents.  As an adult, I now understand that this was not out of a desire to wound, but just a genuine curiosity and perhaps a bit of ignorance.  However, to my 5 year old self, this just hurt.  I hated having to defend my adoptive family, better known to me as simply “my family,” as being my “real” family.

According to http://dictionary.reference.com, “real” is defined as:

Re·al1  /ˈri əl, ril/ Show Spelled [ree-uh l, reel]

adjective 

1. true; not merely ostensible, nominal, or apparent: the real reason for an act. 

2. existing or occurring as fact; actual rather than imaginary, ideal, or fictitious: a story taken from real life. 

3. being an actual thing; having objective existence; not imaginary: The events you will see in the film are real and not just made up. 

4. being actually such; not merely so-called: a real victory. 

5. genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; authentic: a real antique; a real diamond; real silk.

Some people believe that “real family” is limited only to those with a biological or legal ties.  I do not.  Perhaps this is because I was adopted.   Perhaps it’s because I have seen so many marriages fall apart or those who are legally defined as “family” treat each other with such hatred that I would not consider them family at heart.  Or perhaps it is because I have seen those with no legal ties whatsoever have relationships filled with so much love that they couldn’t be anything but family.

Let me tell you my personal definition of “real family.” 

It is comprised of those who choose to love each other unconditionally.  It is made up of people who can laugh with each other, share each other’s joys, carry each other’s burdens, fight, forgive, agree to disagree, look out for each other, encourage each other, share confidences, accept differences, and a litany of other descriptors of how people choose to love each other for the long haul regardless of how they come together. 

That folks, is REAL.

I Came from Korea on a Bumper Boat…

…or so my younger self thought.

When I was really young, we lived in the city of Coon Rapids, Minnesota.  Nearby there was a family fun center called Lily Putt that, if memory serves me right, had miniature golf, go-karts and bumper boats.  Those bumper boats must have made an impression because, according to my parents, I told someone that I came from Korea on a bumper boat.

I do not remember a time when I didn’t know that I was adopted.  It never came as a shock to me because it was just a part of my life from the first day I arrived in the U.S. at 18 months.  My mom tells me a funny story about how my great-grandmother looked at her and asked, “You’re not going to tell her she’s adopted are you?”  My mom, who is blonde haired and blue eyed responded by saying, “I think she’s going to figure it out!”  We still laugh about that.

Just shows how much society has changed its views on the topic of adoption.  What used to be hush-hush is now the “trendy” thing to do thanks to an expanding list of celebrities adopting both domestically and internationally.  I’m not much of a trend follower but I think it is great that there is more awareness about adoption and an overall positive view of it.

Here is a list provided by Parents.com of celebrity moms who have adopted:

Jillian Michaels, Trainer – Adopted daughter Lukensia from Haiti

Charlize Theron, Actress – Adopted son Jackson

Viola Davis, Actress – Adopted daughter Genesis Tennon through domestic adoption

Kristin Davis, Actress – Adopted daughter Gemma Rose Davis through domestic adoption

Denise Richards, Actress – Adopted daughter Eloise Joni Richards through domestic adoption

Mariska Hargitay, Actress – Adopted daughter Amaya Josephine and son Andrew Nicolas through domestic adoption

Sheryl Crow, Musician – Adopted sons Wyatt Steven and Levi James Crow through domestic adoption

Sandra Bullock, Actress – Adopted son Louis Bardo Bullock through domestic adoption

Katherine Heigl, Actress – Adopted daughter Nancy Leigh ("Naleigh") from South Korea and daughter Adalaide Marie Hope through domestic adoption

Madonna, Singer – Adopted son David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie and daughter Mercy James from Malawi

Angelina Jolie, Actress – Adopted sons Maddox Chivan (Cambodia) and Pax Thien (Vietnam); daughter Zahara Marley (Ethiopia)

Nicole Kidman, Actress – Adopted daughter Isabella Jane and Connor Antony

Calista Flockhart, Actress – Adopted Son Liam

Michelle Pfeiffer, Actress – Adopted daughter Claudia

Meg Ryan, Actress – Adopted daughter Daisy True from China

Edie Falco, Actress – Adopted son Anderson and daughter Macy

Sharon Stone, Actress – Adopted sons Roan Joseph, Laird Vonne, and Quinn Kelly

Mary-Louise Parker, Actress – Adopted daughter Caroline "Ash" Aberash Parker from Africa

Jamie Lee Curtis, Actress – Adopted daughter Annie and son Tom

Rosie O'Donnell, Talk Show Host/Actress – Adopted sons Parker Jaren and Blake Christopher; daughter Chelsea Belle

Diane Keaton, Actress – Adopted daughter Dexter and son Duke

Kirstie Alley, Actress – Adopted son William True and daughter Lillie Price

National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness Month!

“The first major effort to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in the foster care system occurred in Massachusetts. In 1976, then-Governor Mike Dukakis proclaimed Adoption Week and the idea grew in popularity and spread throughout the nation. President Gerald Ford made the first National Adoption Week proclamation, and in 1990, the week was expanded to a month due to the number of states participating and the number of events.

During the month, states, communities, public and private organizations, businesses, families, and individuals celebrate adoption as a positive way to build families. Across the nation, activities and observances such as recognition dinners, public awareness and recruitment campaigns, and special events spotlight the needs of children who need permanent families. It also includes National Adoption Day, traditionally a Saturday, which is observed in courthouses across the nation as thousands of adoptions are finalized simultaneously."
(source: http://national-adoption-month.adoption.com/)

This month I will try to post some blogs about my own experience of having been adopted from South Korea at 18 months and raised in predominantly white suburbia (aka Maple Grove, Minnesota) by my blue-eyed family. While our journeys will be different, I hope that I will be able to relate to our future adopted child well and help to guide him/her through the various things that s/he may encounter as an adoptee.

During the course of our adoption, we are required to read at least 3 books of our choosing on the topic. I’ve listed them below in case anyone is interested in checking them out as well:

Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Susan Fisher and Mary Watkins

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Corss and Wendy Sunshine

On a completely different note, we took Shay trick-or-treating on Halloween with our next door neighbors and their kiddos.  Shay was insistent on being a pumpkin and a princess so we obliged her.  And, I know I'm her Mommy, but I thought she was the cutest trick-or-treater out there :)

Here are some pictures I took on my iPhone (please forgive the blurriness):