Adoption of a Different Kind

We just might be crazy.  We welcomed a new face to our home this afternoon on an introductory basis to see if we want to adopt him.  He's friendly, handsome and hairy.  And he's also a cat.  Meet "Mr. Kitty."

"Mr. Kitty" (who will get a real name if we adopt him)

"Mr. Kitty" comes to us by way of our community lost & found pets group.  He was found in a neighborhood a few weeks ago and, despite numerous attempts to find his owners, no one has claimed him.  A very generous woman paid to have him vetted (neutered, shots, flea/mite treatment, testing, etc.) and another has been fostering him but cannot take him in and didn't have an alternative but to put him back where he was found - without a home.  Soooo, we are taking him for a few days to see how he and Nuisance work out.  They are close to the same age and even look similar (although "Mr. Kitty" is larger).  If they get along, then we'll probably officially adopt him.  We figured it might be good for Nuisance to have a play buddy especially with Shay starting school full -time in less than two weeks (Yikes, that's a whole 'nother blog posting!).  

On the human adoption front, no news other than the fact that our adoption agency is now going to automatically let us know when our profile books are being shown to birth mothers.  Some people do not want to know this information as they do not want to get their hopes up every time their profile is shown. We figured it would help us determine how long we want to renew our home study for.  Where it might be discouraging if we find our profile is being shown a lot and we're not being selected, it would also be encouraging to know that our adoption agency is actively working with us.  It might be more discouraging if our profile isn't getting shown at all.  However, I am not expecting much activity because our agency is working with 40+ adoptive families (some are pursuing international adoptions but the majority are pursuing domestic adoption) and they are only currently working with 7 birth mothers, not all of who will opt to make an adoption plan.  At this point, we really haven't put much consideration into independent domestic adoption or going with another agency because it is all really overwhelming and we want to see where this current path leads.

You Never Know Who You'll Meet at the County Clerk's Office

This month Nadia was due for new tags so I took Shay with me to go through emissions testing and to the County Clerk's office to get said tags. By the way, Nadia is our Ford Taurus. Why yes, we name our cars after big names in gymnastics...we also have Bela (my Kia Sportage) and my first car was Mary Lou. But I digress.

I don't know why I thought the line would be short at the County Clerk's office. Perhaps I was overly optimistic after zipping through emissions testing with no wait. Let's just say that I'm glad we got there when we did because the line was literally out the door by the time we left. We didn't have a ton of people in front of us but a couple of those folks had lengthy issues to resolve. So we waited.

Shay was a SO GOOD. You know those times you're out in public and someone's kid just says and does the most adorable things that make you smile?  Yeah, that day, that was my kid. It's those moments that make up for the times she has been THAT kid (the kid with the other kind of behavior that makes those who don't have kids say that they're either never going to have them or that they would never let their future child(ren) behave that way and those who do have kids give their sympathetic looks while silently being thankful that this time it's not their child causing the ruckus).

Shay was the only child in line with a bunch of adults and she repeatedly said, in her sweet little voice, "Mommy, you're my best friend. I love you." When I picked her up, she gave me kisses and repeated it a few more times, garnering some "Aww's" and smiles from those in line.  After awhile, I noticed the woman in line in front of us kept turning and smiling at Shay. Eventually, Shay said something about one of her boo-boo's.  The kind woman turned around and told her that she had boo-boo's too.  She lifted one leg of her pants above her knee to reveal some pretty bad scabs from a nasty fall.  Instantly her and Shay became buddies, talking to and making faces at each other as the time passed.

Eventually, the kind woman explained that she fell down in the parking garage at her work. She has been undergoing chemotherapy for cancer and said, with a smile, that she just gets very tired sometimes and her legs give out.  In fact, she was there to get a handicapped parking permit.  I told her that I was sorry she was having to undergo chemo and that my dad had to do the same. She enthusiastically said that she wasn't going to let cancer get the better of her and that she was going to beat it.  She even said that she hadn't wanted to get a handicapped permit until she had taken the fall.  When I asked her what kind of cancer she had, she said that she was diagnosed with kidney cancer and that the specific kind she had was among the rarest of cancers.  Amazingly, she joked (with that same big smile she had while playing with Shay), "Leave it to me to get a rare cancer!"

At this point it was her turn to go up to a window and she brightly greeted the clerk. Once she was finished, she walked back over toward Shay and me and said, "I'll be praying for your dad!" I was blown away.  I told her that we'd be praying for her too. And we have. And I will continue to do so. And I ask that you would too if you think of it.

I left without having gotten her name, but I will not forget her genuinely positive spirit, the way she took the time to play with Shay and the care she had for a stranger's dad even in the midst of her own difficult physical battle.  Where others may succumb to fear, anger or depression (and understandably so), she chooses positivity and to love on others.  What an amazing soul!

Wherever you are, I am grateful to have met you.  I believe in miracles.  The little girl I held in my arms that you took the time to notice and play with is a one (one we didn't think we'd have).  I will be praying for your miracle.  And that you beat cancer just like you said you will.

Wasn't Meant to Be This Time Around

On Monday evening, I got a call from our adoption agency's birthmother counselor asking if we would be okay with her showing our profile to a birthmom who is 7 months pregnant.  Typically, she would just show our profile and we wouldn't know it but, in this case, she wanted to check with us first because the birthmom had moderately drank (about 2-3 drinks at a time a few times a week) and smoked before she found out she was pregnant at 7 weeks along.  After which, she quit smoking and only has a glass of wine once a week or every other week.  She has been receiving regular prenatal care. 

Jeff and I discussed and both immediately knew that we were okay with this.  The counselor said that she would be showing the birthmom many profiles (basically, guard your hearts to keep from getting hopes up too high) and would let us know whether we were chosen to meet with the birthmother or not. 

Tuesday evening I received an email telling us that the birthmom had chosen another adoptive family.  Surprisingly, while we were both a tiny bit disappointed, we were mostly encouraged to know that our agency is actively showing our profile.  As of Monday, we didn't know if they had shown it or not.  We have the option to ask the statistics but have chosen not to so as not to dwell on it but it is nice to know that they are thinking of us.  It's also nice to know that our agency is sensitive to the emotions of those adopting and communicate honestly and quickly so as not to leave us hanging.

We are both trusting God that if we are meant to become adoptive parents, it will be the right fit.  It actually makes me happy to know that there is another couple who is probably so, so excited at this moment knowing that they are taking positive steps toward adoption and it's probably a relief for the birthmom to have been able to make such a huge decision.  The connection to us just wasn't meant to be.

With domestic infant adoption, the birthparent(s) to adoptive parent(s) connection can be anything, big or small.  Sometimes, it's just a feeling.  We cannot take it personally if we are not chosen.  We've discussed whether us being a mixed race couple or us already having a child are advantages or disadvantages but they are really neither.

I think when and if the time comes, we will know if it is meant to be in our heart of hearts.

A Different Perspective on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is beautiful for me this year.  I am lucky to be the mother of an amazing, sweet, funny, beautiful, smart little 3 year old girl who is happy & healthy.  I get to share Mother's Day with my loving husband and incredible daddy to our daughter.  Both Jeff & I have our own mothers and even each have a grandmother this side of heaven to be thankful for.

I don't really know if they celebrate a comparable holiday to Mother's Day in South Korea.  It is still a very strange thought to me that there are people somewhere in the world who have a beautiful granddaughter in Shay and don't even know it.  A piece of me grieves this thought.

The fact that we are in the adoption process makes me think about how bittersweet Mother's Day must be for all of the birthmothers who have so bravely chosen adoption for their kids. To the birthmother of our potential adopted child, words cannot express the depth of our gratitude to you for chosing life, for making such a huge sacrifice out of the deepest love. If we meet and are able to build a relationship, I look forward to honoring you each Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day I take pause to think about everyone else who finds this day difficult.

As I mentioned above, Jeff and I both have our mothers to talk with, spend time with, share laughter with, etc. I do not think that losing a parent would ever be easy no matter how old they are. And so I think about all of those who do not have their mothers to spend time with or send a gift to on this day.

The women who cannot conceive, who wonder if they'll ever become mothers.  I've spent a few Mother's Days in the past wondering the very same thing, hoping against hope.  We were told last year that we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving.  Even now, even after having had a biological child, even after a hellish pregnancy, even amidst a potential adoption that I am so excited about, a piece of me holds onto a little bit of disappointment that we still face infertility.  My heart goes out to all of those struggling with the heartbreak of infertility.

I have a friend who is anxiously waiting to be able to travel to South Korea to pick up her adopted son after several heart-wrenching failed adoptions and infertility.  I know she feels so much longing in her heart to be united with this precious little boy, especially on this day.  I think about all those who are separated from their children right now.

One of my co-workers lost his wife during the birth of their first and only child.  I think about all of the dads who face this day without the mothers of their children and of the men who lost their wives before they got the chance to become the mothers of their children.

I think about the child whose mother left for whatever reason who misses her every day but on this day in particular.  I think about those estranged from their mothers, separated by the many heartbreaks of the world.

I think about the mother whose child is terminally ill.  The mother who has lost her child or miscarried.  I think about those who almost became mothers only to see that dream shattered.

I do not mean to be depressing.  I just felt the need to remember, think of and pray for those who are lonely, hurt or grieving on this day.  One of the best things I can do is to not take what I have for granted.  If you are a mother, hold your child(ren) close and love on them.  If you have a mother, let her know how much you love her if you are able to.  Take time to encourage someone who may need the extra encouragement today. 

No News

I realized that I haven't blogged in a little over a month.  This certainly doesn't mean that there hasn't been a lot of life happening but we've been at a standstill with the adoption process so I haven't had anything new to report on that front. 

We were relieved at the completion of all of our home study paperwork, interviews, etc. that we figured it'd be so nice to just get to the waiting period.  And we still do.  However, enough time has passed now that the questions are starting to pop up.  

Has our profile has been shown?  
How long until we get "the call?"  
We will get "the call?" 
How long are we willing to wait?

It is weird to go into our fully supplied and decorated nursery not knowing if or when we'll have an infant son or daughter to occupy it.  In fact, I try not to go in there too often.  I'm sure the questions, uncertainty and doubts are no different than those of any others going through the adoption waiting process.  

As of right now, 2 years of waiting seems to be our threshold.  If we get placement within that time period, we'll be extremely happy.  If we don't get placement, I cannot say that I won't be at all disappointed but the way we are choosing to look at it is that we will still get the joy of raising Shay, can put all of our resources toward her and will consider the money we've put in thus far a means of helping to fund the work our agency does to support birth-mothers.  

School Orientation

Tuesday night was the parent orientation at the school that Shay will be attending beginning in August. 

The principal gave an introduction and overview of the school, its philosophies, some policies and what to expect for the parents.  The president of the PTO gave a pitch about involvement with the organization and how it benefits both the school and famillies (which are required to donate a minimum of 35 volunteer hours per year).  Then we went to a couple of teachers’ classrooms for a tour and description of the activities that take place on a typical day. 

This was extremely helpful in helping us to have a good idea of the things that Shay will need to be prepared for.  The kids are expected to be potty trained and be able to undress and dress themselves.  While Shay is potty trained, she still needs some help getting a “clean sweep” and in putting her clothes back on.  She’s good with pulling up her pants but gets frustrated if she can’t easily get a shirt on over her head and her arms in the sleeves.  Same thing goes for zippers that don’t easily pull up.  She hasn’t ever tackled the tricky world of buttons.  Since the kiddos are required to wear uniforms (black, navy or khaki pants, shorts, skirts or jumpers and solid colored shirts with collars), she will need to be able to master these skills.

Her school teaches based on the philosophies developed by Maria Montessori.  Having been raised in a very good public school system in Minnesota, I had never heard the term “Montessori” before and had no idea what a “Montessori” or a “Magnet” school was.  There is a really good FAQ’s page from The Montessori Foundation.  While Montessori learning will not work for every child, we think that Shay will thrive in this sort of environment over traditional schooling.  Montessori has a strong focus on instilling a love of learning into children and is very hands-on, teaching a lot of independence while fostering grace & peace.  Shay takes a lot of joy in being able to do things independently and loves to learn so we really hope that she will enjoy school.

She will go half days on the first week of school and then be full-time, 5 days a week from 8am-3pm.  For the 3 & 4 year olds, the morning is filled with work/play but the state mandates that they must nap for a good portion of the afternoon.  Kindermat supplier recommendations anyone?  After the first week or two, we will also need to be able to drop her off from the car and she will need to walk up to the school door by herself (within site & help of school administrators/teachers of course).  All of these little steps to independence are exciting but I’m not sure I’m ready for it!  The school has a “Boo Hoo Party” for parents after the kids get into their classrooms on the first day!

Shay's 3rd Birthday Party

Finally getting around to posting some pictures of Shay's birthday party.  Better late than never I suppose.

My camera died toward the beginning of the party even though it said the battery was fully charged before we left.  Thankfully, Jeff's mom had her camera on hand and I was able to get those files in addition to the ones I shot on my iPhone.  

We had Shay's party at Hoppity Hop in Hendersonville.  I would highly recommend hosting kids' parties at a location with activities for the kiddos.  Instead of running around like mad trying to clean house, buy and prepare all of the food, buy and put up decorations, etc., we are able to relax and actually just enjoy being with Shay, family & friends during her party.  Plus the kids had a blast.  Hoppity Hop has a private jump room filled with big inflatable slides and play houses for each party as well as use of the party room.  They provided all of the food & drinks, minus the cake, as well as tablecloths, plates, cups, utensils, etc. and did the set up and clean up after.  

We are thankful for everyone who came out to celebrate our little girl and for those who were thinking of her on her birthday.  Here are some pics of the fun:

 Shay's party room

  Giant slide and pirate bounce

 Climbing...

 I love this picture - pure joy on her face!

Big Shay & her cutie Liam

 I think Seth may have been having more fun than Sophia!

 Liesl, Londyn & Shay

 Shay's much requested Very Hunger Caterpillar cake

 First time truly blowing out a candle

Hoppity Hop party room

Sophia & Shay 

We met Sophia's parents at Lamaze classes - the girls are exactly 1 month apart.

 Anai & Aidan helping Shay open her gifts

 Gift opening frenzy

 These chocolate bars along with bouncy play balls for the kids were the party favors inspired by The Very Hungry Caterpillar book.