What is Real?

I really hope that I will be able to relate to Jeff’s and my future adopted child well having been adopted myself.  Some situations are unique to adopted children and, while our child will have a different journey than I had, I hope that empathy and encouragement from a mom who knows what it’s like to have been adopted will help our child to face whatever issues may arise for him/her as an adoptee.

One of the issues I had while growing up was when other kids would tease me for being adopted and/or tell me that my parents were not my “real” parents.   I remember one time, another kid told me that my parents “bought” me.

Blatant teasing aside, it was tough for me when people would ask me if I ever wanted to search for my “real” parents.  As an adult, I now understand that this was not out of a desire to wound, but just a genuine curiosity and perhaps a bit of ignorance.  However, to my 5 year old self, this just hurt.  I hated having to defend my adoptive family, better known to me as simply “my family,” as being my “real” family.

According to http://dictionary.reference.com, “real” is defined as:

Re·al1  /ˈri əl, ril/ Show Spelled [ree-uh l, reel]

adjective 

1. true; not merely ostensible, nominal, or apparent: the real reason for an act. 

2. existing or occurring as fact; actual rather than imaginary, ideal, or fictitious: a story taken from real life. 

3. being an actual thing; having objective existence; not imaginary: The events you will see in the film are real and not just made up. 

4. being actually such; not merely so-called: a real victory. 

5. genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; authentic: a real antique; a real diamond; real silk.

Some people believe that “real family” is limited only to those with a biological or legal ties.  I do not.  Perhaps this is because I was adopted.   Perhaps it’s because I have seen so many marriages fall apart or those who are legally defined as “family” treat each other with such hatred that I would not consider them family at heart.  Or perhaps it is because I have seen those with no legal ties whatsoever have relationships filled with so much love that they couldn’t be anything but family.

Let me tell you my personal definition of “real family.” 

It is comprised of those who choose to love each other unconditionally.  It is made up of people who can laugh with each other, share each other’s joys, carry each other’s burdens, fight, forgive, agree to disagree, look out for each other, encourage each other, share confidences, accept differences, and a litany of other descriptors of how people choose to love each other for the long haul regardless of how they come together. 

That folks, is REAL.

I Came from Korea on a Bumper Boat…

…or so my younger self thought.

When I was really young, we lived in the city of Coon Rapids, Minnesota.  Nearby there was a family fun center called Lily Putt that, if memory serves me right, had miniature golf, go-karts and bumper boats.  Those bumper boats must have made an impression because, according to my parents, I told someone that I came from Korea on a bumper boat.

I do not remember a time when I didn’t know that I was adopted.  It never came as a shock to me because it was just a part of my life from the first day I arrived in the U.S. at 18 months.  My mom tells me a funny story about how my great-grandmother looked at her and asked, “You’re not going to tell her she’s adopted are you?”  My mom, who is blonde haired and blue eyed responded by saying, “I think she’s going to figure it out!”  We still laugh about that.

Just shows how much society has changed its views on the topic of adoption.  What used to be hush-hush is now the “trendy” thing to do thanks to an expanding list of celebrities adopting both domestically and internationally.  I’m not much of a trend follower but I think it is great that there is more awareness about adoption and an overall positive view of it.

Here is a list provided by Parents.com of celebrity moms who have adopted:

Jillian Michaels, Trainer – Adopted daughter Lukensia from Haiti

Charlize Theron, Actress – Adopted son Jackson

Viola Davis, Actress – Adopted daughter Genesis Tennon through domestic adoption

Kristin Davis, Actress – Adopted daughter Gemma Rose Davis through domestic adoption

Denise Richards, Actress – Adopted daughter Eloise Joni Richards through domestic adoption

Mariska Hargitay, Actress – Adopted daughter Amaya Josephine and son Andrew Nicolas through domestic adoption

Sheryl Crow, Musician – Adopted sons Wyatt Steven and Levi James Crow through domestic adoption

Sandra Bullock, Actress – Adopted son Louis Bardo Bullock through domestic adoption

Katherine Heigl, Actress – Adopted daughter Nancy Leigh ("Naleigh") from South Korea and daughter Adalaide Marie Hope through domestic adoption

Madonna, Singer – Adopted son David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie and daughter Mercy James from Malawi

Angelina Jolie, Actress – Adopted sons Maddox Chivan (Cambodia) and Pax Thien (Vietnam); daughter Zahara Marley (Ethiopia)

Nicole Kidman, Actress – Adopted daughter Isabella Jane and Connor Antony

Calista Flockhart, Actress – Adopted Son Liam

Michelle Pfeiffer, Actress – Adopted daughter Claudia

Meg Ryan, Actress – Adopted daughter Daisy True from China

Edie Falco, Actress – Adopted son Anderson and daughter Macy

Sharon Stone, Actress – Adopted sons Roan Joseph, Laird Vonne, and Quinn Kelly

Mary-Louise Parker, Actress – Adopted daughter Caroline "Ash" Aberash Parker from Africa

Jamie Lee Curtis, Actress – Adopted daughter Annie and son Tom

Rosie O'Donnell, Talk Show Host/Actress – Adopted sons Parker Jaren and Blake Christopher; daughter Chelsea Belle

Diane Keaton, Actress – Adopted daughter Dexter and son Duke

Kirstie Alley, Actress – Adopted son William True and daughter Lillie Price

National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness Month!

“The first major effort to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in the foster care system occurred in Massachusetts. In 1976, then-Governor Mike Dukakis proclaimed Adoption Week and the idea grew in popularity and spread throughout the nation. President Gerald Ford made the first National Adoption Week proclamation, and in 1990, the week was expanded to a month due to the number of states participating and the number of events.

During the month, states, communities, public and private organizations, businesses, families, and individuals celebrate adoption as a positive way to build families. Across the nation, activities and observances such as recognition dinners, public awareness and recruitment campaigns, and special events spotlight the needs of children who need permanent families. It also includes National Adoption Day, traditionally a Saturday, which is observed in courthouses across the nation as thousands of adoptions are finalized simultaneously."
(source: http://national-adoption-month.adoption.com/)

This month I will try to post some blogs about my own experience of having been adopted from South Korea at 18 months and raised in predominantly white suburbia (aka Maple Grove, Minnesota) by my blue-eyed family. While our journeys will be different, I hope that I will be able to relate to our future adopted child well and help to guide him/her through the various things that s/he may encounter as an adoptee.

During the course of our adoption, we are required to read at least 3 books of our choosing on the topic. I’ve listed them below in case anyone is interested in checking them out as well:

Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Susan Fisher and Mary Watkins

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Corss and Wendy Sunshine

On a completely different note, we took Shay trick-or-treating on Halloween with our next door neighbors and their kiddos.  Shay was insistent on being a pumpkin and a princess so we obliged her.  And, I know I'm her Mommy, but I thought she was the cutest trick-or-treater out there :)

Here are some pictures I took on my iPhone (please forgive the blurriness):

Home Study, Part 1

Our home study has officially begun!

Yesterday our adoption counselor came to our house for a couple’s interview and safety visit. We started out with a basic tour of the house from room to room and then spent some time just talking over some questions about ourselves, the neighborhood, nearby resources, our friends and family, our church and the adoption process. I think it was a plus that we already have our nursery set up and things are child-proofed thanks to Buggy.

Shay did great with our new visitor and provided some comedy as only a 2 year old can get away with – aka: streaking from the bathroom to the living room after a potty break – somehow I think our adoption would have been severely compromised if that had been Jeff or me :) Shay had a brief meltdown when the stack of blocks she was working on fell down but I think it was good for our counselor to see how we handled the situation.

All in all, I think it went very well and was a lot easier than I expected. For the next step we meet at the agency office and have to fill out additional paperwork (in the same room but we aren’t allowed to talk with each other) and then we are interviewed individually. It sounds sort of like an interrogation but I think they are just looking to see if we are on the same page with things. After that, the last step is a service plan meeting where we discuss what we are open to in terms of the type of adoption (open, semi-open or closed, in-state or inclusive of other states) and things like race, gender, physical/mental impairments, etc. Lastly, our counselor will write up our home study and hopefully we’ll be approved. Following a home study approval, we’ll put together our family profile books and online profile and then it’s a waiting game.

I have been asked a lot about how the process works. Our agency is nationwide and places kids of all ages, both domestically and internationally. The middle Tennessee office only domestically places newborns so we will have what Jeff and I like to refer to as a “Waaah, Waaah!” Baby Bootcamp, round 2! In a domestic newborn adoption, the birth mother/parents choose the adoptive family. Hence the need for the family profile books and online profile. I believe at that point if the birth mother/parents want an open or semi-open adoption, a meeting can be arranged between them and the potential adoptive family. How open an adoption is depends on both parties and their comfort level. It can range from communicating on a first name basis only and simply sharing pictures and letters to becoming very close knit in a family or friendship type relationship.

There are a large variety of factors as to what makes a birth mother choose a particular family for her biological child. Sometimes she may be looking specifically for a couple who already has kids, a certain race, a stay at home parent, a couple that has been married for a certain number of years or a combination of these and any other criteria. Sometimes it’s something as simple as a familiar connection such as the adoptive family having the same breed of dog that the birth mother grew up with. You never really know. Jeff and I have spent time discussing what might be an advantage or a disadvantage with us in terms of someone choosing us as parents but, at the end of the day, we just trust that God has it all worked out. It is humbling to think that there may be someone out there who chooses us to raise their child as our own.

We should hear back from our counselor sometime next week to set up our individual interviews and go from there. Hopefully I’ll have more adoption news to share in the coming weeks.

We so appreciate the outpouring of support from our friends and family during this journey!

I’ll leave you with some pictures of our latest adventures:

Shay’s first trip to the circus!

I think she had more fun playing in the water fountains downtown afterward

A fun day at Lucky Ladd Farms

Shay and her buddy Sophia modeling their pretty pumpkin princess dresses/skirts

Gifts that Give Back

October gets me to start thinking about the holidays. You know those people who have all of their Christmas shopping done prior to carving a Thanksgiving turkey? Yeah, most of the time, that’s me. I’m a planner. I’m also a budgeter. So put the two together and you get The Early Christmas Shopper.

This year is no different and yet, it’s so very different. It’s no different in the sense that it’s October 8th and I already have over half of my Christmas shopping done. Yet, this year is different because I am trying to save money due to the expenses of our adoption while still giving gifts that I think people will enjoy; gifts that I hope will convey that love & care were put into each.

In addition to Christmas on a Budget, every year also brings what I’ve deemed as The Inner Conflict.

On one hand, it’s nice to give thoughtful gifts to those I love and cherish. It’s a beautiful thing to know that people around the world are taking the time to make their family and friends feel extra special through the giving of gifts. It’s a wonderful season to spread generosity. After all, the 3 wise men endowed gifts to Jesus right? I like tradition too. It seems that Christmas was a magical time when I was a child. Everyone dressed up. My extended family always got together. There was an amazing spread of food and beautiful decorations. My grandpa would always get all of the women & girls in the family flower corsages. It was always a happy day followed by a fun time of opening gifts in the evening. I want Shay to experience the “magic” of Christmas that seems to only be truly captured in the heart of a child.

All of that aside, I also see the commercialism that can ultimately can distract people from (cliché alert) the true meaning of Christmas. We get so busy running around doing so many things between work, kids, cooking, shopping and the like that we can miss so much around us. We, along with most of our family and friends, are extremely blessed to have homes, jobs, health insurance, etc. Though we do not live an mansions, drive fancy cars and wine & dine like celebrities, when it comes to gift giving, it really is the rich giving to the rich. Sadly, I heard that volunteerism is very high on holidays at soup kitchens and non-profit organizations but it drops off the rest of the year. As much as I want Shay to revel in the joy of the holiday, I also do not want her to think that getting gifts is what it is all about. I want her to understand the joy of Jesus’ birth. I want her to have a giving heart and to be grateful for all that she has.

Jeff and our most of our families are big into holiday traditions and gift giving. For several years now, Jeff and I have foregone getting each other gifts and instead directly give to our Compassion family. We have sponsored Marie Sheila through Compassion International since the beginning of our marriage and have had the privilege of building a relationship with her and her family through letter writing. Some years, I have wanted to refrain from giving gifts to anyone at all and instead help out folks who don’t have much to begin with instead. Of course, we don’t want to offend those who chose to give gifts, disappoint anyone or rain on tradition so how do you strike a balance? I thought that there has to be a way to give gifts that won’t break the bank AND will benefit people who really need the support.

And there is!

Once I started researching all of the options, I was pleasantly surprised to discover just how many websites offer sales of great gifts that also benefit charitable organizations. They range from donating a percentage of sales to whatever cause to putting 100% of the proceeds toward helping people, animals, the environment - you name it. I cannot begin to list them all here but wanted to share a few with you.

These are close to Jeff's & my hearts:

Adoption Bug:  Of course I have to share this one first since it's so near & dear to our hearts this year.  A percentage of every shirt sold goes directly to us to fund our adoption.

My Pink Robot (Cafe Press): Speaking of adoption, one of my sweet friends from Belmont and her husband are in the process of adopting from South Korea (I told her that South Korean adoptees are pretty darn great)!  After 2 other country programs fell through and a heart-wrenching battle with infertility, she inspires me with her loving, giving, hopeful heart and her candid openness to share her greatest struggles and joys.  Read her blog To Love a Rose then support her adoption through sales from her Cafe Press site.  You'll be helping a wonderful couple open their hearts & homes to one very lucky child!

St. Jude Children's Research Hospital:  Jeff & I have been St. Jude sponsors since 2006 and love the mission of this hospital.  These are gifts that inspire hope and help fight childhood cancer.  100% of profits after related expenses benefit the children at St. Jude.

Thistle Farms: I had the pleasure of volunteering with Thistle Farms/Magdalene House when my work sponsored a volunteer day with this amazing organization.  Thistle Farms is a social enterprise run by women who have survived lives of prostitution, trafficking, addiction and life on the streets.  By hand, they create high quality, natural body care products that support Magdalene House which is a 2 year residential community that helps these women.  Thistle Farms/Magdalene House believes that love is stronger than all of the forces that drive women to the streets.

Watch this video to learn more about Magdalene/Thistle Farms (edited by one of my wonderful co-workers)

Just Give:  This site allows you to gift people with a dollar amount of your choosing to apply to any charity of their choice.  I have received Just Give gifts from friends/co-workers before and think it's a great thing to be able to benefit the charities I love.

I thought these were cool:

Greyston Bakery: Their motto that hits the spot:  "We don't hire people to bake brownies.  We bake brownies to hire people."  Proceeds go to job training programs - and even Ben & Jerry's ice cream features their treats.

Heifer International: Choose a meaningful gift to give a loved one and help children and families around the world receive training and animal gifts that help them become self-reliant. 

Gifts that Give: $1 out of every $5 goes to any cause of your choice.

Had to include some for the animal lovers:

A Dog's Life: A perfect gift for the wine and dog lover.  This site allows you to create a custom photo wine label and ship it on one of their two "rescue reserve" bottles of wine.  10% of the proceeds from sales of these wines goes to benefitting animal shelters.

Earth Dog: 10% of profits go to spay/neuter programs and active fosters for rescued dogs.

Happy shopping!

Paper Pregnant

Pregnancy is a 9+ month wait and, in my case, filled with vomiting, excitement, vomiting, preparation, vomiting, baby classes, vomiting...

You get the point. Domestic adoption is a very different journey, yet has some similarities. Basically replace the vomiting with paperwork and plan for a longer wait time. I’ve heard it referred to as a “paper pregnancy.” I guess you can officially call us “paper pregnant” now! We just finished the last of our initial adoption forms last night and are going to turn in the pile tomorrow morning.

We still have 3 ½ study sessions to go (you must complete 4 of 8 prior to starting the official home study process). These have been interesting because, while most of the material boils down to common-sense, to someone who has never really considered the daily implications of adoption, it provides some great food for thought. It’s funny to me to be reading the adoption study books as an Asian international adoptee in the midst of a U.S. domestic adoption as one half of a mixed-race couple.

Next up: Home Study! Here’s hoping that this process is smooth sailing and we have an approved home study by the end of the year. Then we anticipate 2013 as a “wait year."

In the meantime, we’ve been enjoying some of these cooler temperatures. While the hideous Tennessee summer heat and humidity are grasping for life here and there, it’s finally starting to feel a little like fall. We had an absolutely beautiful past weekend here. And yes, I just realized I am writing about the weather. This officially makes me an old fart.

I better post some pictures before I write any more about the weather.

Shay being a little imp during her Daddy's birthday lunch

 Helping Mommy pick apples at Bottom View Farm

1/2 bushel of freshly picked apples

Tire Horse!

Polishing off a giant root beer float

 

Running on a giant jumping pillow

One of my favorite shots

Wait, I love this one too!

 

 Feeding the ducks and geese at my favorite spot in Hendersonville

 Checking out a water fountain in downtown Nashville

Taking Our Time

How's the adoption going?  It's a question I get a lot so I figured I'd give a short update:

We're going really slowly on it.  Right now we're still going through our initial paperwork and running the errands here and there to get everything we need.  We're also having to do 4 out of 8 study sessions before we can start the home study process.  As soon as we turn in our paperwork and complete 4 sessions, we'll need to pay $2,000 up front.  Then, once the home study is underway, we'll have another $3,000 fee. 

Both Jeff & I have not been feeling up to going through paperwork at night the last few weeks due to not feeling well physically or just having long days. I'm hoping that we'll pull all of the paperwork together in the next couple of  weeks and have our homestudy done by the end of the year.  Then 2013 will begin our waiting period.

We have gotten other progress done in preparing for Baby #2.  The nursery is completely set up.  We have the crib, the changing table and the swing all assembled again and arranged in the new nursery/old guest bedroom.  Shay likes to climb into the crib, hold one side and jump on the mattress like a trampoline.  However, she hasn't figured out how to climb back out of it again.  We often hear, "I'm stuck!" coming from the nursery and we have to go and "rescue" our little princess. 

We're celebrating Jeff's 42nd birthday on Sun.  His birthday is actually on Mon. Sept. 10th but I have to work that day...222 episodes of the latest series I'm working on have to be delivered for air by the 21st.  We're planning on a trip to church, followed by some apple picking at an orchard in Sumner County followed by a nice leisurely lunch out.  Topping it all off with Jeff's favorite - a Dairy Queen ice cream cake.  Yes, I know.  Gotta watch us Burton's and our wild birthday parties ;)