Baring My Seoul

Yes, by now you should see a trend that I'm using the cheesy "Seoul" sayings in my blog post titles. And you know what? I'm not going to stop.

So, to pick up where I left off, when I met with my Korean Social Service, Inc. (KSS) case worker, she opened our conversation with stating that she had made copies of the, not one, but two letters my birth mother had hand-written and left when she dropped me off at the orphanage. Again, a surprise because I had just learned the day before that there was a very short note in my file, not two letters.

I understand that there are Korean adoption privacy laws that prevent KSS from disclosing my birth mother's full name and birth date along with my brother's. However, the more I think about it, the more annoyed I become that they didn't include at least the rest of the content along with my adoption paperwork. All this time, these letters existed that piece together some of the answers to some of the questions I've carried for so long.

My case worker whited out the names but left the birth years. My birth mother was born in 1949 and my brother was born two years earlier than me in 1980.

I've thought a lot in the past couple of days about how much I would share of these letters. I am still processing my birth mother's words written during an extremely difficult time in her life. Out of respect for her, I will not share all of their content. Here is a small piece that I cropped out of the larger letter. It is hard to describe the feeling I have just seeing her handwriting, rushed though it was.

There is a major discrepancy between the two letters. In one she references only dropping me off and surrendering me for adoption. In the other, more hastily written just outside of the orphanage, she wrote about surrendering both my brother and me.

The main points of the letters are that she and my birth father separated. She tried hard to take care of both my brother and me on her own but wasn't able to find work and an affordable place to stay with the two of us. We lived in a car for a short time. She felt terrible about leaving us but didn't think she had a choice.

It gives me some answers but opened up many more. Something that I'm observing within myself is that, prior to this trip and most of my life, my questions about my adoption were very inwardly focused and centered around how things affected me. Now, I've shifted to a more outward focus with questions now about both my birth mother and brother.

• Are they both alive?
• Are they both okay?
• Did they stay together?
• Why did my birth mother separate from my birth father?
• Does he know what happened to everyone?
• Did my brother end up in an orphanage and get adopted somewhere?
• Does he remember having a younger sister?
• Is anyone searching for anyone else?
• Etc...

So, where do I go from here?

G.O.A.'L. should hear back from the police agency working on locating my birth mother and brother tomorrow or the following day detailing the results of their search. If nothing is discovered, the police search will conclude. 

In the meantime, I'm traveling to the Kyŏnggi-do area tomorrow where the orphanage is that I was left at prior to being transferred to KSS. Though I'll speak with someone who works there to see if there is any additional information about my case, I'm fully expecting that there won't be anything new to go on. Instead it will be more about making an emotional connection being in the area where I was presumed to be born. On Tuesday or Wednesday, I will go with the group to the police station to do a DNA test to see if there are any matches against the DNA of folks in their database. 

I have the feeling that it will be an emotionally charged next few days as the other KADS will be experiencing their individual itineraries and uncovering the next pieces of their stories. 

What a journey it has been!

Heart & Seoul

I cannot even begin to describe the last few days.

On Wednesday (that's Tuesday to you folks in the States), we learned more about Birth Family Search (BFS) and met individually with our BFS mentors who have been working on our cases. The purpose of these meetings were to provide information of where they were at in our cases and to prepare us for the adoption agency visits slated for the next day.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I only have 4 pages of adoption paperwork and they explicitly state that there is no known information about my birth parents. That's why I haven't ever entertained the notion of engaging in a BFS. I think I walked into my conversation with my BFS mentor and literally said something to the effect of, "There isn't anything to go on so I'm guessing you didn't find anything new." He responded with an emphatic, "No there isn't much in your paperwork..."

What came next was a complete surprise. That's when he gave me the news that Korean Social Services found a letter handwritten by my birth mother in my file that I never knew existed. Also contained in the letter was the full name and birth date of my birth mother and...of my biological brother!

They wouldn't release the names and dates but they have the information. I nodded my head, asked some questions and walked out of the room.

Several of the other Korean adoptees (aka KADS) on FTH who have become instant framily were sitting outside of the room waiting to speak with their mentors. When they asked how it went, I lost it and started crying. Upon sharing what I'd learned, they started crying too. I was forewarned by G.O.A.'L. staff that this trip is emotionally charged and that, because we can relate to what others around us are going through, it can be a heavy experience.

After so many years believing that there was no record of my birth parents, to learn that my birth mother's name and birth date are known and that I have a biological brother is just an overwhelming thing to wrap my mind around.

Yesterday, our group of 19 split up into smaller groups to travel to our respective agencies. Half of the group were adopted through Holt International. The rest were through Eastern Social Welfare Society and Korean Social Service, Inc. (KSS). I was part of the group of 5 through KSS.

After the hour long bus ride, we arrived at an unassuming part of the city. One of the first things we passed was a big iron gate. The G.O.A.'L. staff member who accompanied us there explained that it was the original gate to the old orphanage that has since been torn down. It was surreal to be standing looking out at an empty field knowing that it was where I lived for a short time in part of the life I don't remember.

Gate from the original KSS orphanage that I was in prior to my adoption. 

From there, we headed into the office building where we were called in one-by-one to meet our case workers and review our files. What came next is something I'll detail more in a future blog post A. because it's past midnight and I need to get up early to travel to Jeonju and B. because I'm still processing it and want to be thoughtful in the way I share.

More to come...

Seoul Searching

I made it to Korea!

The flight from LAX to Incheon was smooth, aside from the elderly Korean woman next to me elbowing me a couple dozen times. Apparently elderly people in Korea can get away with pushing, shoving, etc. so I guess it was just preparation, ha! Otherwise, I slept and streamed an Ed Sheeran concert and a couple of movies.

Korean Air out of LAX

Korean Air blanket, headphones, slippers, toothbrush, toothpaste & water

Airplane bibimbap, bleh

Day One was really just the flight in and then meeting up with several of the G.O.A.'L. volunteers and other Korean adoptees on the First Trip Home. After checking into BOA Travel House, our Korean home away from home in the homeland (got that?), several of us went out for the real deal Korean BBQ.

K-BBQ, beer & soju

Day Two started early with jogging along a stream that feeds into the Han River with a group of 7 of us, me being the most out of shape of all of them, but hey, at least I tried! 

After grabbing some pretty good coffee at one of approximately 1,000,000 coffee shops in Seoul, we gathered as a full group of First Trip Home adoptees and staff where we had an overview of the trip, a basic Korean lesson by one of the women behind the Talk to me in Korean YouTube Channel. We all received the book Hangeul Master - Learn How to Read and Write in Korean. Apparently, it's the book that Conan O'Brien used on his trip to South Korea. Well, if it's good enough for Conan...

After a group lunch, we had an overview of a company that conducts DNA testing followed by a cheek swab and hair pulling sample. This is to ensure if there is a birth parent match, it is a solid one. Already two of the nineteen people are having birth parent reunions. We'll learn more about our individual birth family searches tomorrow. 

Had time to do a bit of shopping and seeing the area we're near. 

Korean won - I feel rich

Down a shopping alley

I've never been in beauty shops that feature all Asian women

Couldn't resist taking a photo of this one after 14 years of living in the South...a Korean Waffle House!

Off to group dinner. More to come!

K-Drama

After a near 2 year hiatus, I'm resurrecting my blog. 

So much has happened in the time I haven't been writing. Kyla is now a walking, talking, energetic 2 year old and Shay is now a talented taekwondo fanatic who just started the 1st grade. Oh yeah, and we moved from Nashville to Los Angeles.

I wanted to have an avenue to share with family and friends before and hopefully during my upcoming trip to (drum roll, please)...South Korea! 

As many of you know, I was adopted at age 18 months from South Korea. All of the information about me from the time before is typed onto 4 pages of paper. It's really like reading about someone else's life. It's easy to look at this picture and think, "those poor kids" and then remind myself that the toddler in the middle was me. It's even more striking to me now because Kyla looks a lot like I did in this photo. I cannot imagine how distraught she would be if everyone she knows were to suddenly disappear from her life. 

I'll be one of 20 native Koreans who were adopted internationally and will be going on this trip through Global Overseas Adoptees' Link (G.O.A.'L.). I applied and interviewed for G.O.A.'L.'s annual First Trip Home program back in May.

"Since 2008, Global Overseas Adoptees' Link (G.O.A.'L) has arranged First Trip Home with the aim of reconnecting Korean adoptees with their origins and providing a unique experience for the participants. First Trip Home is intended for adoptees that have never previously returned to Korea and would like to do so in order to reconnect with Korea. Rather than a typical sightseeing tour of Korea, our First Trip Home is focused on helping adoptees reconnect with their origins in a meaningful way." 
(Courtesy GOA'L, https://www.goal.or.kr/content/global-overseas-adoptees-link-first-trip-home-2016)

I discovered the First Trip Home program via an L.A. Mommies Facebook page of all places. Another mom living in the L.A. area shared about it as she went in 2014. She was an open book about her experience which helped inspire me to apply. 

One of the questions during the interview was why I had never gone back to Korea. My answer was that I had always felt so disconnected from there having grown up in Minnesota. I had a good childhood and am close with my family (notice, I simply call them my "family" and not my "adoptive family"). My younger self had zero interest in going to Korea. I simply wanted to "fit in" with my friends. As I've gotten older, my mind opened to it but, until now, it was an expense I couldn't justify amid a bunch of other financial obligations. When I factored in the language and cultural barriers, it seemed more of a logistical pain than it was worth.

Two major things have made me actually want to visit despite previous hesitations. One was becoming a mom to my 2 bi-racial daughters. I want them to be able to connect to the Korean half of their roots should they want to. The other is due to my job. In January of this year, my company launched globally. So many people have joined over the last year who are not U.S. natives, who speak secondary languages and who generally inspire a more globally minded perspective. Both have made me want to think about my own unique background and explore it more.

The other adoptees coming on this trip are from the U.S., Denmark, France and the Netherlands. While we all have different viewpoints on adoption seen through the lenses of our own life experiences, it's is exciting to me to, for the first time, be surrounded by others who share a similar background as me. There are many things that non-adoptees cannot personally relate to. I've largely been on an island in my thoughts about being a Korean adoptee. Not a disadvantaged island, but an island nonetheless.

While I've never been one to dwell on my unanswered questions, they do hit my mind often especially now that I have kids. 

• Why did my birth parents leave me an orphan?
• Was my birth father in the picture?
• Do they regret it?
• Do they ever think about me?
• Have they ever looked for me?
• Are they still alive?
• What do they look like?
• Did they ever have other children?
• If they had other children, were they given up for adoption too?
• Did my birth mother have hyperemesis gravidarum?
• How much of my personality is similar to theirs?
• What about my biological family health history? (y'all, this is a pain to not have)
• Do my daughters have any physical or personality traits from them?
• Is the birth date on my paperwork my actual birth date?
• Was Eun Young Kim actually a name chosen by my birth parent(s) or simply by the Korean "system?"

These questions are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

G.O.A.'L. does birth family search (BFS) and even seeks to partner with Korean media to get adoptee stories out to the nation to assist in this effort. I honestly have never entertained the notion of the possibility of a birth family reunion as it has seemed near impossible based on the lack of information about me. I'm going on this trip with no expectation of a reunion. It would truly be mind blowing to me if any birth family were found.

I'm really more excited to see where I come from, connect with other adoptees and just have an incredible life experience. We'll get to see Seoul and Jeonju, take language and cooking classes, meet with the adoption agencies (Korean Social Services in my case) and, in addition to group meals and activities, I'll have a personalized itinerary based on my adoption profile (perhaps going to the Kyŏnggi-do region where I was supposedly born).

Special shout out to Jeff for being so incredibly supportive. Even though he'll be solo with the girls for 3 weeks (2 while I'm in Korea and 1 while I'll be in Japan for work immediately after), he has been a rock star with encouraging me to apply and granting me comfort in knowing he'll be taking great care of our girls. 

I've been forewarned that this can be an emotionally taxing trip. It can bring up feelings I've never felt before having never been to Korea or exploring my past in the same manner. It can be tough to see those around me going through experiences I can relate to in a way many others cannot. So, while I plan on using this blog as a means of sharing pictures and updating y'all, I also caveat this with knowing that I may not feel up to it and instead, want to stay in the moment and experience everything.

More to (likely) come!

Kyla's Birth Story (4 1/2 Months Later!)

I know it's really late, but I wanted to write out Kyla's birth story. I could have shared it earlier but I enjoyed my maternity leave and have been keeping very busy between taking care of the girls & work that I didn't want to take time out of living life to document it. I have learned so much over the past year that I am excited to share if nothing more than to get it out if my head & have it on record for years down the road as details might get lost over time.

If anyone were to have told me a year ago that I would one day consider my pregnancy with Shay as the easier one, I would have thought they were all kinds of crazy. I'll share more about my second HG pregnancy experience in a future post but I mention it now because it played a big role in the kind of birth I had.

With Shay, I had a spontaneous, all-natural birth after taking Lamaze classes and it was absolutely textbook. I was still in the labor and delivery room when I told Jeff that I'd do a natural birth all over again if we ever had another.  It was a high like no other. Fast forward 4+ years after a much harder pregnancy and the story was different. My OB/Gyn, Dr. Mackey, thought it would be good to induce me as I was so run down, in pain, not sleeping and had HG flaring back up (which leads to dehydration and low amniotic fluid among other things). Though I do believe spontaneous labor is the best case scenario, after much talking with my doctor and Jeff, I decided to go through with the induction.

On the morning of Thursday June 5, 2014, we headed to Centennial Women & Children's Hospital to have a baby! Jeff's parents picked Shay up the night before. We arrived at 7:00am to fill out paperwork, get settled into a labor & delivery room, and get hooked up to IV fluids. Sometime around 9:00am, Dr. Mackey came busting into the room excitedly telling us all about the CMT Music Awards the night before that I had gotten her tickets to. I had joked with her that she wasn't allowed to deliver my baby with a hangover, LOL!

Pitocin was started shortly after and my water was broken. We had an absolutely amazing nurse who made everything so much easier. At some point after pitocin was started, my blood pressure dropped. I wasn't too concerned as that is what generally happens when I'm sick or stressed. The nurse asked me if I was feeling okay and I remember her messing with my IV stand. Jeff tells me I started mumbling non-sense and she had to "put sugar in (my) IV."  Recall kind of feeling light-headed at one point but that was really the only hiccup in the process.

When asked if I wanted an epidural, I was completely torn. I knew that induced labors are more painful and can last much longer than spontaneous ones which made me nervous. Still unsure, I opted to go natural but be open to an epidural and see how it went. Several hours later, contractions were getting intense and the nurse checked me. I had only progressed to about 3 1/2cm but the contraction pain felt like it did when I was at 8cm with my first labor. The nurse told me that "Pit is mean stuff" and had the anesthesiologist come talk with me. I asked him a ton of questions, finally opting to go with the epi because I wasn't really progressing much and didn't know if it would be hours upon hours of more labor.

I was actually really nervous about an epidural. I handle needles just fine (you have to with HG). It's the thought of one going so near my spinal cord that freaks me out. I know people who had complications from them or had them not work properly so I wasn't too keen on the idea. However, after so much pain for months on end paired with coaxing from Jeff and the nurse, I opted to go with it. Everything went really smoothly. It was easier than a PICC placement and that wasn't even bad at all.

One of the things I had discussed with the nurse was hearing of epidurals only numbing one side. She explained that they work with gravity and made sure to shift me from one side to the other. I knew epidurals numbed pain but I had no idea to what extent. I felt absolutely nothing. Went from painful contractions to no pain whatsoever! Jeff laughed at me when I told him I felt like I was cheating. He also kept saying I was  "comfortably numb."

Around 3:30pm, I was only at 4 1/2cm which was discouraging so I decided I'd try to sleep a little. The nurse shifted me to my other side and walked out of the room. Very shortly after, I began feeling really intense pressure but not pain. Since we discussed epidurals working with gravity, I just figured I was suddenly feeling a lot of pressure due to switching sides and it would subside. Though still not in pain, the pressure grew even more. A different nurse came into the room looking for a supply of something and I asked her if the pressure was normal. She said my nurse would be back shortly but that she could check me if I wanted her to. I started to say that I'd wait but midway through changed my mind. She came over and immediately said I was at 10cm. It never even crossed my mind that I could have dialated that much that fast!

My nurse came back quickly and said that I could start pushing but stressed that if she told me to stop, I had to immediately do just that. When I had Shay naturally, there was absolutely no way I could have stopped pushing. I had heard that sometimes epidurals are lowered in order for the mom to have enough feeling to know when to push. I still felt no pain with mine. Midway through the third push, the nurse urgently told me to stop and said we had to wait for Dr. Mackey who, thankfully, was located in the building next to the hospital and arrived just a couple of minutes later. Had the nurse not stopped me, the baby would have been born before Dr. Mackey got there. Once she did, it was literally one push and Kyla was out.

The most memorable moments were as soon as just born Kyla was placed in my arms and she just looked at me. I mean really looked at me. She was so calm and quiet just staring into my soul. I will never forget it. My entire pregnancy was so difficult that I didn't even feel connected to the baby; she felt like a parasite making me sick and causing pain, not my precious daughter. I hate to admit it but I share in case anyone else is experiencing it. It broke my heart that I was not emotionally bonded with her. It made me feel like a terrible mom. All of that vanished the instant she looked into my eyes and I into hers, I loved her. Our bond is even that much closer now that we both made it through HG. I cannot really describe it but I am so incredibly grateful.

Life with Kyla has been such a joy. She is generally a very calm baby and she started sleeping through the night right at 6 weeks, something I didn't think was even possible! Now, at 4 months old, she is smiling a lot and starting to giggle.  She's a tough customer though - we really have to work to get her to laugh.  She often gives us little amused smiles that I swear are courtesy smiles :)

Shay has been amazing with the arrival of her baby sister.  We were worried that she might be jealous but she loves Kyla and has been helpful and so sweet to her, talking to her, guarding her from curious cats and taking "paci duty."

Kyla just minutes after birth. I'm so glad Jeff got this shot.  It's a moment I'll never forget.

Shay meeting her baby sister for the very first time.

My girls!

Jeff got the first poopy diaper!

Guess it wore them both out ;)

Shay holding Kyla for the first time
Heading home from the hospital

My Husband is a Real Life Superhero

Yikes, it’s been 4 months since I last touched this blog. 

I’ll be honest, this pregnancy is absolutely kicking my butt.  I am exhausted and have a headache a good majority of the time as well as bouts of nausea.  Soooo much better than full blown HG, but difficult nonetheless.  I haven’t been able to completely wean off of medications which has been discouraging to me as someone who doesn’t even like to take OTC medication at all.  I still need to take Phenergen pills on occasion but the big thing is that I have to wear scolpolamine patches behind my ears at all times.  They are commonly placed after full anesthesia post-surgery to help people with nausea but, in my case, they keep the HG at bay.  It’s frusterating because I am 24 weeks along and by week 17 of my last pregnancy, I was completely off all meds and had a pretty normal pregnancy.

I’m extremely grateful for my boss and co-workers who have all been so supportive.  I have a really solid team in place and am able to work from home on the bad days.  Short term disability paid my salary at 100% for the months I was out of work and our insurance covered the cost of everything.  I know many women with HG who have lost their jobs due to their inability to work.  It’s heartbreaking and I do not take the blessings that I have for granted.

So, most everyone knows that my husband is Spiderman (and occasionally Iron Man) with Marvel and with a local children’s entertainment company.  What everyone may not know is that he is a real life superhero.  I cannot tell you how much more difficult this 2^nd HG pregnancy would be for me without his love and support.  During those first dark months when I was in the hospital and then bedridden at home with a PICC line, he took care of both Shay and me.  He never once complained about it.  Even now, I am so exhausted after work that I often just crash when I get home.  He feeds & bathes Shay and gets her ready for bedtime.  I have a good deal of mommy guilt for missing so much time and care for our daughter, but he is so encouraging and does a great job with her (and me).

After 2 awful pregnancies with HG, I don’t want to go through it again and Jeff doesn’t want to put me in that situation either.  Thankfully, two kiddos was always our limit anyway.  I feel for the women in my HG support group who want to have more children but cannot because of the physical, emotional & financial toll that HG takes.  

He has given me permission to write about this, so I can post that Jeff got a vasectomy on Feb. 7^th.  This seems to terrify so many men but Jeff really stood up like the superhero he is and “took one (well, really two) for the team.”  He said it was the least he could do after watching me endure HG and childbirth.  He also knows how much harder it is for a woman to have a hysterectomy.  He even opted on his own accord to just do a local anesthetic so that he could drive himeself there and back.  The plan that day was for me to get Shay to school in the morning (he had to leave the house before that time) and for me to pick her back up in the afternoon and bring her to work with me for the rest of the day to give him that time to rest.  However, HG had different plans and, while I was able to get Shay to school in the morning, I ended up vomiting non-stop at work and had to come back home early.  The icing on the proverbial cake was that it was a cold day and I had worn one of Jeff’s winter jackets which I ended up vomiting all over on the drive home.  I walked in the house crying and blubbering like a fool something to the tune of, “I’m so sorry.  The one day I wanted to be able to support you and I can’t even do that.  AND I THREW UP ALL OVER YOUR JACKET!!!”  Jeff just laughed at me and proceeded to take care of me and he went and got Shay from school that afternoon.  Despite it being a crappy day in health land, both of us managed to still see the humor in the situation and I refered to him as “Numb Nuts” all day. 

I will admit that, even with us only wanting two kids, I did have a very slight pang of disappointment that I likely will never have a son.  I’m kind of flying blind at the thought of raising sisters since I never had one growing up.  However, I am extremely happy to know that Kyla will soon be joining our family.  Shay is excited to be a big sister and we can’t wait to see what Kyla looks like and get to know her unique personality.  I can already tell just by her activity in the womb that she is different than her big sister.  She’s super active and strong!  Around this time, I was just starting to feel little flutters/kicks with Shay.  I’ve been able to feel strong, distinctive kicks from Kyla since week 16.  Jeff and Shay have both felt her kick and she already moves my whole belly with her gymnastics/kick-boxing (often at night when I’m trying to sleep).  She can definitely hear now because she went ape one day when Jeff was banging a bunch of metal pans around and Shay starting yelling.  So looking forward to holding her in my arms instead of getting pummeled by her from the inside. 

Jeff is eager to take care of all of his girls.  I am so glad he is not one of those men who only wants boys.  I am also extremely grateful that we are in the position to have one of us stay at home.  Jeff did great with Shay and I have no doubt that he’ll do great with Kyla too.  HG is difficult for everyone.  Jeff has had to step up a lot more with taking care of both Shay and me as well as running the household.  Shay has lost time with Mommy although she is very much a Daddy’s Girl.  The book “Mama Has Hyperemesis Gravidarum (But only for a Little While)" helped and, at 3 years old, Shay is good at empathizing with someone having an illness.  I hear complaints from many women whose husbands are not supportive in the least and it makes be sad for them and even more grateful for Jeff who has promised to be my rock through this experience.  That is a real man and a real life superhero if you ask me.  

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Growing Our Family

Life, with all of its twists and turns, caught us by surprise again.  Ever hear the "best laid plans" saying?  Well, we definitely know that there are just things you cannot plan for.  Never has it been more apparent than in the last year.

Here is a rough timeline of events:

2003 - Got married (always talked about having a biological child and adopting the opposite gender from South Korea)
2005-2008 - Struggled with infertility
2009 - Got pregnant and had a horrible go around with Hyperemesis Gravidarum
2010 - Shay was born!
2012 - Began to look into South Korean adoption only to discover we are ineligible due to the South Korean government mandate that there cannot be more than a 10 year age gap between spouses (Jeff & I are 11.5 years apart)
2012 - Went to see what our chances of conceiving naturally again would be and were told that we had less than a 1% chance.  I wasn't positive I wanted to go that route due to the rough time with H.G. but I wanted to know all of our options.
2012 - Though it was a big change from what we had planned, we started the process to adopt domestically figuring that the infertility diagnosis was confirmation enough to proceed with adoption.
2013 - Our home study was approved and we were chosen by a birthmother a few months ago.  This adoption ultimately fell through as she decided to parent once the baby was born.

This all leads me to today.  Timing has been so crazy and yet so orchestrated.  Our agency was calling us to begin the process for a home study renewal.  Both of us were a little hesitant for several reasons I won't go into on this post.  Suffice it to say, we weren't 100% and wanted to take some time to both get clarity on how to proceed.  

For months we've had our Smoky Mountains trip planned so we wanted to go and celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary with a private vow renewal and photography at one of the most beautiful places ever, Honeysuckle Hills and just take some time to step back from everything.  We also rented a beautiful chalet way up in the mountains with amazing views, hot tub, jacuzzi, fireplace, etc.

Here's the crazy part:  Just a few days prior to leaving for the Smoky Mountains, I found out I am pregnant!  Excitement, fear, everything hit all at once.  This was definitely an answer regarding whether or not to renew our home study.  Jeff called our case worker and she was very supportive and has suspended our case but we can always renew it if we choose adoption later.  Ironically, just after finding out I am pregnant, I also was contacted to enter the final process for grad. school admission to ASU's online master's program and found out that I had been selected to attend the NAMIC business leadership seminar in L.A., both of which I had to turn down.  After confirming the pregnancy with the doctor, off we went on our anniversary trip.  I'm so glad we had those precious, amazing days because, on the last day of the trip, Hyperemesis Gravidarum reared its ugly head with full force. 

It was an extremely long trip back with me throwing up constantly.  Luckily we got back into town in the early afternoon and were able to see Dr. V. that evening.  He immediately admitted me to the hospital where I stayed all the way until yesterday evening.  We had hoped that it would be much easier to treat the H.G. this time around but we thought wrong.  The hospitals and infusion companies will no longer give as high a dosage of meds as they did when I was pregnant with Shay so it took some miserable days in the hospital trying to come up with a combination of meds that would work to help me.  Yesterday, after 4 tries, they were finally able to get a PICC line and now I'm home attached to 2 medicine pumps and will have home care nursing twice a week.

I cannot tell you how awful H.G. is.  But with it came so much outpouring of support from family and friends.  We are so grateful.  I'm 7 weeks along and we're most definitely still not out of the woods as far as risk of miscarriage so I continue to ask for prayers.   I also wanted to send out a huge thank you to those who have supported the adoption.  We still paid about $6,000 into it and, even though things haven't worked out the way we thought, we are still so grateful for everyone who has supported all of our means to grow our family.