For the Best

As many of you already know, we got the call from our adoption specialist on Monday afternoon that Birth Mom delivered Baby at 5am that morning and decided to parent instead of place for adoption.  

Now that we have had a few days, I'm ready to write about it.

I did cry when I first got the news.  And I cannot say that we are not the tiniest bit disappointed.  But I can say that we are really doing okay with everything.  Sure, it has brought up some doubts and some questions.  Sure, we've had to take a moment to step back and re-evaluate where are thoughts and hearts are.  These aren't necessarily bad things though.  Instead, we're choosing to look at the positive so here, in no particular order, are the things that are helping us through the process:

1.  We are trusting that God's timing is best.  I don't write this to appear as though we have this whole faith thing figured out or that we're all pious or righteous.  We don't and we aren't.  What we do know is that we have peace that we believe can only come from the sincere trust that God is taking care of us.  We have experienced this first hand in so many ways.  One such example is that we literally had about a 1% chance of even conceiving Shay without assisted reproductive technology.  Then I got horrendously sick during my pregnancy and we thought we would lose the baby.  And, against all odds, we have our amazing daughter.  We've talked about how, had things gone according to our timing, we wouldn't have Shay.  We may have had another child and, while we would have loved that child, we just cannot imagine having had a biological child other than Shay.  In our minds, God's timing was perfect.

2.  Our prayers were answered.  Albeit, not in the way we had planned for the conclusion of this part of the adoption journey but they were answered nonetheless.  From the time we found out that we had been chosen by a birth mother, we prayed that whatever outcome would be best for the baby is what would ultimately happen.  While we have no tangible assurances that this is the case, we choose to trust that this really is the answer.  Yes, it would have been nice to have not been chosen in the first place and spent the last month preparing for another baby girl.  I question what the reason was for as we both feel that it would have been easier for our hearts and minds to not be chosen until it was the right fit.  Perhaps we were just there to serve as a safety net of sorts for the birth mom as she struggled with an impossible decision.  Perhaps we can now help other adoptive families in a way because we went through this.  I hope the why's become apparent one day but I'll be  okay if they never do.

3.  Baby will be loved.  I've heard people who have had adoptions fall through equate it to a miscarriage.  I understand part of that sentiment.  From an adoptive family's perspective, you spend time anticipating the arrival of a child only, in many circumstances, to never have the chance to meet him/her.  And it feels like a loss.  However, Baby did not die.  She is now going to get to live life with her Birth Mom and Siblings who will love her.  So I don't really agree with the miscarriage comparison.  In fact, I can't really think of anything that a failed adoption compares to as it is, in and of itself, a unique situation.  Perhaps only those who have experienced this process first-hand can really understand it.  What I do know is that we cannot be sad that a child was wanted by her mother.  We need to celebrate this.

4.  We have so much support from Family and Friends.  In a lot of ways, it would be easier to keep everything about the adoption to ourselves.  That way, we wouldn't have to tell anyone if it never went through.  We would not have to go back and tell everyone that we are no longer going to get the baby that we were waiting for.  We would not have to hear some of  the well-intended but not always helpful pieces of advice or "wisdom."  Jeff and I are naturally not really social.  Both of us are geared more to having just a few close friends rather than a ton of acquaintances.  It is easier for me to internalize things and work through them in my own way and timing.  Or to just reach those with whom I hold the deepest level of trust.  However, we chose to be open with this process and share the journey with those around us and, in doing so, have received nothing but support, encouragement and friendship along the way.  It is with a sincere heart that I write that I am so thankful for this.

5.  Shay's a happy camper.  Thankfully, Shay isn't upset about the adoption falling through.  While she said that she was excited to have a baby sister, we don't think at 3 1/2 she really understood what that meant.  She has never asked questions about the adoption even though we've tried to prepare her throughout the process.  With going to pre-school full-time, she's experiencing a lot of firsts and seems very happy as is even though, while we know there would be a big adjustment period, we also think she will be a good big sister if someday should ever happen.  It is a blessing to us that she is not upset now.

6.  We are happy with either outcome.  We really, truly are.  We are still planning on having our home study active through 2014.  If we haven't gotten placement by then, we're going to keep Shay as an only child.  A couple of the reasons for this are that we do not want our lives in limbo for several years and we do not want a huge age gap between our children.  Adoption would be a beautiful way to add to our family and a big blessing for sure but having Shay as an only child is not some sort of failed adoption consolation prize in the least.  We will be just as happy to be a family of three.  We just felt the pull that adoption has always had on us from the beginning of our relationship and we have to at least give it a chance.  However, we in no way feel that our family is incomplete or lacking as is.  

So what's next?  

We are back to being a waiting family.  So, at the risk of repeating this whole process, we are going to keep open hearts.  And no, I'm not referring to Jane Seymour's hideous Open Hearts Collection for Kay Jewelers.  Apologies if you like the designs, I mean no offense.  I do like the sentiment behind it but I think the design concept is awful.  In my most mature expression:  Me no likey.  

Again, thank you for all of the support, prayers and friendship.  We love you!

The Calm Before the {Good} Storm

Just a quick Sunday night update since I'm back at work tomorrow and kicking into another full week.

Shay is doing great with preschool.  She had her first full week last week and is now going Mon-Fri from 8am-3pm, a regular full school day.  She likes her teacher and is always happy when we pick her up.  We really could not have asked for a smoother transition.  I have somehow already found myself doing several volunteer PTO projects but figured I'd do them now while we're in this calm period before we find ourselves with an infant and possibly some other big changes to life as we know it.

We haven't heard any news yet regarding the adoption.  We probably won't until Baby is born.  

In the meantime, we've pretty much prepped the nursery and I've been working on figuring out my work schedule and adoptive leave.  I'll be getting things in place this week to have coverage as I plan to take 3 months off of work when Baby comes.  

As much as we loved our formal dining room table set, we sold it on Craigslist and replaced it with a new sleeper sofa with a queen size pull out bed.  We've also moved Shay's train table into the room which will function as a play room/guest "bedroom" for when we have out-of-town guests.  We so rarely ever used the room as a formal dining room so, with our growing family, this makes much more sense.  We are happy to now have a bed for guests again so come visit us (especially if you want to take a middle-of-the-night baby shift or two)!

To answer a common question:  Yes, we have a name.  No, we are not sharing it.  There are two reasons for this.  #1. We do not want to officially share her name until she is in our arms (there is a chance that the adoption will not go through so we are trying to guard our hearts a bit by not sharing the name).  #2. Since her due date, gender, race and whatnot are all known, we want to have one thing be a surprise.

I wanted to extend our deepest gratitude to our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, pastor, basically everyone who has supported us in so many ways during this adoption process.  Everything from prayer to friendship to supporting our fundraiser to offering encouragement & help with Baby...we have been so blessed by all of it.  The outpouring of love we have received after getting The Call has been nothing short of amazing.  Our family is so thankful for all of you and we are so very happy to be welcoming Baby into all of that love.  

The Call

So you know how I've posted over and over that the domestic infant adoption process is a whole lot of hurry up and wait, followed by more waiting?  Well family & friends, our wait may very soon be over.  Today we got The Call. 

Shay and I dropped Jeff off downtown this morning.  The reason why is for another post but suffice it to say that big things are happening with our little family.  On our way home (after a small detour to purposely drive past a certain building downtown just to say "Hi Work.  I don't have to see you for another 10 days!"), I got a call from our adoption case worker.  She called on her personal cell so I didn't recognize the number and, in true Jamie fashion, proceeded to ignore my phone.  Stephanie left a voice message asking me to call her back because she had some news.

I waited until Shay and I got home before calling her back.  I figured she was simply calling to either tell us that our profile was being shown (as I mentioned a couple of posts ago) or to ask if we would be okay with the agency showing our profile if there were any questions outside of what we included in our service plan.  Stephanie asked if Jeff was with me and, when I told her "no," she asked me to get a pen and paper which I found odd.  She then proceeded to tell me that we have been chosen by a birthmother!  I was floored as she filled me in with as much information as she had available.

It was sort of a surreal moment.  I immediately called Jeff who didn't answer his phone.  It only took him about 15 minutes to call back but those were some long 15 minutes!

Here's what we know that we feel okay sharing:  The baby is a girl and she's black.  We were actually hoping for a minority baby seeing as how we're mixed race!  Birthmom is local but does not want to meet us in person at this point (may never) and does not want us to attend the birth, which we completely respect and understand.  She already has 2 children and is choosing adoption because she doesn't feel that she can provide/take care of another child.  The birthfather is not in the picture.  One of the major factors in her choosing us is Shay!  Remember when I said that the birthparent to adoptive parent connection can be something very specific?  She wants her daughter to grow up with a sibling and she said that she thinks Shay is cute (I like her already!).  Baby is due August 29th.  With both of her other children, birthmom delivered early so it is highly likely that baby will be born in the next couple of weeks which is crazy to think about!  She prefers direct placement meaning that, once the baby is released from the hospital, she will be put straight into our care.  However, our agency wants to protect us as adoptive parents too so, if it seems like birthmom is wavering in going through with her adoption plan after the birth, baby will be put in interim care until the 10 day revocation period is over (during which time birthmom can change her mind).  This is to guard our hearts so that we do not care for and fall in love with the baby and end up having to relinquish her in case birthmom decides to parent.

I actually hesitated about posting this blog but discussed with Jeff and we thought that it would be good to document the entire adoption experience.  We know that the first step to adopting is to get past the revocation period and then officially/legally adopt about 6 months later.  A lot can happen in the process so we do not want to set ourselves up for heartbreak.  At the same time we know that what is meant to be will be and that the wait, the risk, the worry and everything will be worth it in the end.

We ask for your prayers for baby girl's birthmom during this time.  I cannot imagine what she is going through as she enters the final weeks of her pregnancy and faces such a huge, life-changing decision.

First Day of Preschool

Another thing that no one really tells you about being a parent is that your first child's first milestones are really first milestones for you as well.  While we've already been through school ourselves and may even have some memories of preschool and/or Kindergarten, it is not nearly the same as being a parent to a child going off to his or her very first day of school.  

I have been worrying for weeks about how Shay would do.  While I know that worry doesn't really help anything, I worried just the same.  Will Shay be scared?  Will she make friends?  Will she have a good teacher?  Will she behave?  Will she be able to get her lunch box open and get into all of her food packages?  Will she eat?  Will she do okay with pottying?  She's been potty trained for a long time and does great at home and out and about with us but she tends to not tell people she doesn't know well when she has to go.  The kids are expected to be able to be completely independent so, if she does have an accident, she's supposed to be able to change her outfit herself.  Which brought on more worry.  She gets frustrated when she can't easily get her clothing on and pitches a fit.  Will she be able to dress herself okay, especially in her school uniform clothing that is a little trickier than her "street clothes?"  

Those are just some of the things flying through my mind directly relating to Shay.  I've also been worried about all of the things with adjusting to a new schedule.  Jeff has been home with Shay for the last 3 years.  I know that this will be a big change for him.  He's also in the midst of searching for a job so, once he gets hired, we'll have to figure out all of the logistics of who is dropping Shay off at school in the morning, who is getting her in the afternoon and what to do about childcare if there is time between when the school day ends and when we can leave work.  It's strange, even though I'll still see Shay the same amount of time I have been since I work full-time, I feel like I will be much more worried about her on a day-to-day basis.  When she's home with Jeff, I could call anytime I wanted to see how she was doing.  Jeff would sent pictures and texts and we could chat via Facetime.  Now, I cannot just bombard the school all day long wondering how she's doing.  I was worried about a bunch of small things as well...even down to trying to figure out the flow of traffic and all of the nuances that the school has in place about drop off and pick up procedures, traffic flow, rule sets, etc.  

I also have been getting teary eyed over the past few days just thinking about how fast our baby is growing up.  How she's becoming more independent.  How the quote, "The days are long but the years are short" is so very true.  I figured I would cry on her first day.  I figured wrong...instead I cried a couple of days before her first day.  Jeff even thought he might cry too.

But our little girl amazed us.  She did not cry at all.  Usually if she's around people she doesn't know, she gets really shy and doesn't say a word.  However, once we got to the school, she was just fascinated.  She willingly let the teacher's assistant, Ms. Jeannie, take her into the classroom with a bunch of the older kids in her class and said a loud "Hello" to her teacher.  They took off before we even really had a chance to hug her but we didn't want to call her back and make it seem like a big deal so we just said goodbye to her and walked out of the classroom.  

As we were in the hallway, a mom was walking away from another classroom with her hands on her forehead nervously saying, "Oh my God, she's crying.  She's crying!  I can't stand it!"  I felt so bad for her.  I know that could have easily been me had Shay cried as we walked out.  The school held a "Boo Hoo Party" for the new parents and I saw several teared up faces.  I think Jeff and I were just so happy that Shay didn't seem scared or cry and that her teacher, Mr. Morell, seems so good with kiddos.  We actually walked away feeling pretty good.

Today was only a half day so we were back to pick her up at 11:30am.  Let me tell you, it was really weird for both Jeff and I to be at our house together without Shay.  Normally if one of us is home without her, it's because the other one is out with her.  To be just the two of us was strange.  Good, but strange.  It's amazing how this little person comes into your life and you completely forget what life was like before them.  

It was the sweetest thing seeing the teachers and staff come out of the school with small groups of 3 and 4 year old's.  All were wearing their uniforms and they just looked so darn cute.  When Mr. Morell came out of the building with Shay, she was happy as a clam.  She gave me a big smile and hug when I walked over to meet her.  She had a blast!  When we asked her what she did today, her first response was, "I went potty at school!"  Haha, thankfully she used the bathroom.  Upon opening her lunch carrier, I saw that several of the items were missing which made me happy because it not only meant that she ate something but that someone helped her open the packages.  Shay said that she has friends at school and likes her teacher.  She's even excited to go back next week.  Rousing success for day 1 I'd say!  I hope that she continues to enjoy it.  We think she's been getting bored at home and is ready for new challenges.  

Here are some pictures of her (and our) big day:

 \

Adoption of a Different Kind

We just might be crazy.  We welcomed a new face to our home this afternoon on an introductory basis to see if we want to adopt him.  He's friendly, handsome and hairy.  And he's also a cat.  Meet "Mr. Kitty."

"Mr. Kitty" (who will get a real name if we adopt him)

"Mr. Kitty" comes to us by way of our community lost & found pets group.  He was found in a neighborhood a few weeks ago and, despite numerous attempts to find his owners, no one has claimed him.  A very generous woman paid to have him vetted (neutered, shots, flea/mite treatment, testing, etc.) and another has been fostering him but cannot take him in and didn't have an alternative but to put him back where he was found - without a home.  Soooo, we are taking him for a few days to see how he and Nuisance work out.  They are close to the same age and even look similar (although "Mr. Kitty" is larger).  If they get along, then we'll probably officially adopt him.  We figured it might be good for Nuisance to have a play buddy especially with Shay starting school full -time in less than two weeks (Yikes, that's a whole 'nother blog posting!).  

On the human adoption front, no news other than the fact that our adoption agency is now going to automatically let us know when our profile books are being shown to birth mothers.  Some people do not want to know this information as they do not want to get their hopes up every time their profile is shown. We figured it would help us determine how long we want to renew our home study for.  Where it might be discouraging if we find our profile is being shown a lot and we're not being selected, it would also be encouraging to know that our adoption agency is actively working with us.  It might be more discouraging if our profile isn't getting shown at all.  However, I am not expecting much activity because our agency is working with 40+ adoptive families (some are pursuing international adoptions but the majority are pursuing domestic adoption) and they are only currently working with 7 birth mothers, not all of who will opt to make an adoption plan.  At this point, we really haven't put much consideration into independent domestic adoption or going with another agency because it is all really overwhelming and we want to see where this current path leads.

You Never Know Who You'll Meet at the County Clerk's Office

This month Nadia was due for new tags so I took Shay with me to go through emissions testing and to the County Clerk's office to get said tags. By the way, Nadia is our Ford Taurus. Why yes, we name our cars after big names in gymnastics...we also have Bela (my Kia Sportage) and my first car was Mary Lou. But I digress.

I don't know why I thought the line would be short at the County Clerk's office. Perhaps I was overly optimistic after zipping through emissions testing with no wait. Let's just say that I'm glad we got there when we did because the line was literally out the door by the time we left. We didn't have a ton of people in front of us but a couple of those folks had lengthy issues to resolve. So we waited.

Shay was a SO GOOD. You know those times you're out in public and someone's kid just says and does the most adorable things that make you smile?  Yeah, that day, that was my kid. It's those moments that make up for the times she has been THAT kid (the kid with the other kind of behavior that makes those who don't have kids say that they're either never going to have them or that they would never let their future child(ren) behave that way and those who do have kids give their sympathetic looks while silently being thankful that this time it's not their child causing the ruckus).

Shay was the only child in line with a bunch of adults and she repeatedly said, in her sweet little voice, "Mommy, you're my best friend. I love you." When I picked her up, she gave me kisses and repeated it a few more times, garnering some "Aww's" and smiles from those in line.  After awhile, I noticed the woman in line in front of us kept turning and smiling at Shay. Eventually, Shay said something about one of her boo-boo's.  The kind woman turned around and told her that she had boo-boo's too.  She lifted one leg of her pants above her knee to reveal some pretty bad scabs from a nasty fall.  Instantly her and Shay became buddies, talking to and making faces at each other as the time passed.

Eventually, the kind woman explained that she fell down in the parking garage at her work. She has been undergoing chemotherapy for cancer and said, with a smile, that she just gets very tired sometimes and her legs give out.  In fact, she was there to get a handicapped parking permit.  I told her that I was sorry she was having to undergo chemo and that my dad had to do the same. She enthusiastically said that she wasn't going to let cancer get the better of her and that she was going to beat it.  She even said that she hadn't wanted to get a handicapped permit until she had taken the fall.  When I asked her what kind of cancer she had, she said that she was diagnosed with kidney cancer and that the specific kind she had was among the rarest of cancers.  Amazingly, she joked (with that same big smile she had while playing with Shay), "Leave it to me to get a rare cancer!"

At this point it was her turn to go up to a window and she brightly greeted the clerk. Once she was finished, she walked back over toward Shay and me and said, "I'll be praying for your dad!" I was blown away.  I told her that we'd be praying for her too. And we have. And I will continue to do so. And I ask that you would too if you think of it.

I left without having gotten her name, but I will not forget her genuinely positive spirit, the way she took the time to play with Shay and the care she had for a stranger's dad even in the midst of her own difficult physical battle.  Where others may succumb to fear, anger or depression (and understandably so), she chooses positivity and to love on others.  What an amazing soul!

Wherever you are, I am grateful to have met you.  I believe in miracles.  The little girl I held in my arms that you took the time to notice and play with is a one (one we didn't think we'd have).  I will be praying for your miracle.  And that you beat cancer just like you said you will.

Wasn't Meant to Be This Time Around

On Monday evening, I got a call from our adoption agency's birthmother counselor asking if we would be okay with her showing our profile to a birthmom who is 7 months pregnant.  Typically, she would just show our profile and we wouldn't know it but, in this case, she wanted to check with us first because the birthmom had moderately drank (about 2-3 drinks at a time a few times a week) and smoked before she found out she was pregnant at 7 weeks along.  After which, she quit smoking and only has a glass of wine once a week or every other week.  She has been receiving regular prenatal care. 

Jeff and I discussed and both immediately knew that we were okay with this.  The counselor said that she would be showing the birthmom many profiles (basically, guard your hearts to keep from getting hopes up too high) and would let us know whether we were chosen to meet with the birthmother or not. 

Tuesday evening I received an email telling us that the birthmom had chosen another adoptive family.  Surprisingly, while we were both a tiny bit disappointed, we were mostly encouraged to know that our agency is actively showing our profile.  As of Monday, we didn't know if they had shown it or not.  We have the option to ask the statistics but have chosen not to so as not to dwell on it but it is nice to know that they are thinking of us.  It's also nice to know that our agency is sensitive to the emotions of those adopting and communicate honestly and quickly so as not to leave us hanging.

We are both trusting God that if we are meant to become adoptive parents, it will be the right fit.  It actually makes me happy to know that there is another couple who is probably so, so excited at this moment knowing that they are taking positive steps toward adoption and it's probably a relief for the birthmom to have been able to make such a huge decision.  The connection to us just wasn't meant to be.

With domestic infant adoption, the birthparent(s) to adoptive parent(s) connection can be anything, big or small.  Sometimes, it's just a feeling.  We cannot take it personally if we are not chosen.  We've discussed whether us being a mixed race couple or us already having a child are advantages or disadvantages but they are really neither.

I think when and if the time comes, we will know if it is meant to be in our heart of hearts.